My Kind Of Serene

As the sun was laid to rest for the day and I can see the moon creeping out from behind the abundance of clouds, I stepped out of my apartment. Armed with a face towel and my iPod, I look down and take a deep breath. My shoelaces are unevenly tied again. I sit on the staircase and while waiting for the elevator to arrive; I attempted to properly tie the shoelace again, for the third time.

“Still trying to be a perfectionist?” I heard a voice. I look up and certainly am not surprised as to who was talking to me.

“Quit it, Saiful,” I told him off immediately, though in a manner where apparently he found it amusing. The elevator arrived at that time and I jog towards it before it closed.

“You do know doing this would not change anything right?” Saiful questioned me.

“Change what?” I asked him back and before he could react, the elevator door opened and I started jogging out of the elevator.

It has been two years since I started jogging just after sunset. Saiful and I came to a conclusion that jogging during the peak hour or when the sun is rising, is just not worth it. What with the many people at the park. I’d rather fight for oxygen with the trees in the evening rather than fight for oxygen with people in the morning. I do not consider myself to be what society called it ‘anti-social’ but if given the choice to spend my birthday alone, I’d gladly take that chance. Nonetheless, since Saiful came to my life, I have doubts about spending birthdays alone anymore.

To get to the park, I have to cross the busy road, which unfortunately is quite popular at taking innocent lives. The park was still same as before. By ‘before’, I mean yesterday. I start my warming up session near a big tree where Saiful and I always did our warming up and down. Ignoring Saiful who’s just leaning his back against the tree, I start my warming up with some breathing.

“Why are you even trying?” Saiful asked.

“Try what?” I asked him, not getting what he’s trying to get out of me. Again, without waiting for his answers, I jogged off first without waiting for him.

Taking the evening breeze accompanied by the sun setting were probably the secondary reasons as to why Saiful and I love our evening jogs. Coupled by the serene surroundings, this definitely feels like heaven. Not that I know what heaven is like.

After the refreshing half an hour jog, I find the nearest bench to rest for a while. Saiful sat beside me quietly and we just look deep into each other’s’ eyes.

“I love you forever and I won’t waver,” Saiful whispered and then continuing to stare at me.

I heard someone shouting my name from afar therefore breaking off the gaze Saiful and I were having. As the person approaches, I crept out a smile and wave at her. It turned out to be my friend, Syura.
“You still jog here?” she asked, her eyebrows frowning.

“Yes. Why? With Saiful occasionally,” I answered calmly. I wondered why she even asked that question.
The smile on Syura’s face disappeared and she suddenly tap on my shoulder repeatedly in a comforting manner. I stared at her, hoping to find answers for her actions. Syura then proceeds to sit down on the bench beside me and apparently Saiful is not at the spot where Syura is sitting anymore. I urgently look around hoping to find Saiful nearby.

“Lisa, you have to forget about Saiful. I know it is hard. Do not blame it on yourself. I t has been two years. Open up and find a new guy,” Syura said.

“Are you asking me to cheat on him? What happens if he gets back?” I refuted. Syura takes a deep breath and stand up.

“He won’t,” said Syura conclusively and smiled at me before continuing her evening jog. I am not the only one with interest in evening jogs after all. As Syura passed by the big tree that where I do my warm ups, my eyes shifted to Saiful, who’s leaning his back against the tree. I smirk at him and go near him.

“She’s right, you know. Deep inside, you know she’s right,” said Saiful.

“Right about what?” I asked.

“Stop it, Lisa. Jogging in the evening with the hope of having conversation with me and reliving those memories are not going to bring me back. The accident was not your fault. It never was. You wanted to jog more and I wanted to go home. Even if you went home with me, nothing will change. Move on, please,” Saiful explained and begged, silencing me. Without me realizing, tears are streaming down my face. I look at the road nearby and zoned out. I still remember vividly the blue cement truck hitting Saiful right in front of my eyes.
My legs suddenly become loose and I fell to my knees. I looked at Saiful and he is not there, leaning his back against the tree anymore. I firmly grabbed the grass with my ten fingers and cried my heart out. It has been two years.

I stand up after what feel like hours. The stars are sparkling in the sky. The park is dead quiet and it is pitch dark aside from the accompanying lamp posts. I composed myself before making way to cross the road.
“I love you forever and I won’t waver”.

I swear I heard someone said that as I felt the breeze towards me. I dare not turn behind. If this is what Saiful meant about moving on, it definitely is hard.

“I love you too,” I whispered as I made my way across the road and loud honking can be heard from my right. As the bright light approaches, I smiled and look at the stars twinkling bright. This is serenity too.

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